So, the thing about life is it’s actually a lot of work. It’s a lot of waking up everyday and making yourself do stuff. It’s hard work when you don’t feel like it, and it hardly feels like work when you do. But work it is, nonetheless.
This blog is work, but I enjoyed it. Looking back at old posts, it’s actually pretty good. I just can’t believe it’s been over a year since I last wrote! (Whoops.) Guess I really hit a wall. When I started this blog, it was all about learning and growing. All that good stuff happened, but when the going got tough, I stopped. The crazy thing is: the wall I hit had a door.
While I’d been writing these posts and selecting different topics, the door was getting larger and larger and harder and harder to ignore. But I wasn’t ready to go there. So instead of going there, I stopped blogging and focused on other things. I focused on my marriage, and my new job, and on everything else except that obnoxious, glaring door. But then these things were unexpectedly hard too. Like really, really hard. So I had no choice. I had to open it.
Suddenly, I found myself in these randomly challenging situations where I had to speak up and stand up and keep going, or else. As someone who doesn’t do well with confrontation, I was losing steam. The energy in my life was pushing me in a particular direction (and beating me over the head!), but I was resisting with all my might. Until I was completely exhausted.
In real life, we all have our demons. I’ve carried mine around in the form of anger and resentment. So I knew exactly what that door was when I saw it. The more I wrote, and the more I struggled and grew, the closer it got. But instead of going through it, I gave myself permission to shut down. This was easier than the alternative. I gave myself permission to judge, because this too was easier than the alternative. I stopped myself. And I stop myself. All the time. I’m quiet. I don’t have tough conversations and I don’t face my problems. I rarely give anything the fair chance it deserves. I hate rejection. So I protect myself. I hold it all in, and then I explode. This was me, in real life.
I recently made the decision to contact someone who has been the source of my demons for most of my life. Since I’ve been gone from blogging, I’ve come to terms with this issue and ultimately chose to forgive. Both of us. The weight of that resentment was so heavy and so overwhelming and all-consuming. It hurt like hell, but I had to detach and let go.
Now, I’m free.
The fact is no matter how well we live, how much we love or work or succeed, we’re still not entitled anything, including kindness, from anyone. We owe that to ourselves. So, I’m grateful for my past. The trust I’ve gained in myself to do the right thing when it’s not easy or sexy or fun has been enlightening. And I am who I am today because I understand work, and I understand personal responsibility. It’s not just an on the job thing.
Every single thing that happens in our lives is for the purpose of making us stronger, better, and more whole people. I am that today. I don’t have a perfect life, but I have a real life – and I’ve chosen to accept the world as it is, not how I want it to be.
I needed the time to work, but it feels good to be back. Talk soon.